The world is gay
by thosewierdos
Summary: Link wakes up in a very strange place with no memory with what happened before...if you happen to like Marvel or Legend of Zelda, prepare your anus, because this will hurt. NSFW
1. Waking up

Chapter 1

I hate superheroes. I really fucking hate them and how horny they all are. I haven't met a single superhero that didn't try to rape me or somehow get in my pants, even though I keep telling everyone I'm straight. I mean, everyone already wants to get in my pants. I guess that comes with being the hero of the sky, or whatever, but seriously, what the fuck. My name is Link, just Link, not Zelda, not "that kid in the gay green dress," just Link. When the superheroes came from the future to Skyloft, I was really hoping for a battle because it was super boring and Zelda is probably lesbian, because she clearly not attracted to me, and I found her making out with Peatrice behind the Plaza. She made me swear afterward that "I saw nothing". Anyway, instead of an epic battle or an epic bunch of bros, I got even more gay men trying to chase me. As if Ghiriham wasn't enough! So this morning, I woke up in my bed in Skyloft, and wouldn't you know, it was Tony Stark, butt naked, sipping on a margarita, and looking through what looked like a gay porn magazine.

"So how did you enjoy last night?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

I sighed.

"Let me guess, you drugged me and then raped me?" I asked. He nodded.

"You were begging for it, prancing around in that sexy tunic and tights." he sat back, as if savoring the moment, "after all, who could deny such an exquisitely tight arse?" he added.

"Explains why I'm naked too," I muttered, grabbing a new tunic and tights from the closet. Well, my ass does look pretty fine in the tights, now that I think of it. I slipped on my boots and glanced down at Tony's junk.

"Do you mind putting on some pants now that I'm sober?" I snapped. Tony looked down at his junk too.

"Naaaaah, I think I got some nice balls, why shouldn't I show them to the world?" he grinned. I rolled my eyes and gave a swift kick in his balls.

"AAAAAAAGH. WHAT THE HELL?" he screamed, tears streaming down his face.

"I AM NOT YOUR GAY HOOKER, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FUCK!" I yelled, and threw open the door. Just then, Groose opened his door,

"Hey did someone say fuck? I'll fuck you, or have a threesome, as long as it's Tony." he said. Tony peered from my door.

"NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK WITH YOU GROOSE, GO FUCK A LOFTWING." Groose sniffed and disappeared into his room. I could have sworn I heard a loftwing in there. Huh. I guess he had a loftwing fetish after all. Outside, Fi appeared in front of me again

"Master, there is a 90% chance that Tony was telling you the truth when he said that he raped you" she chirped

"Yeah I know, my ass hurts now." I muttered.

"That's the third time this week. Twice from Peter Parker, and once from Tony. There's a 70% chance that they will attempt to have intercourse with you together in the next few days," she said, and then disappeared back into the sword. Speak of the fucking devil, Peter Parker ran up to me.

"Hey there, uh, nice, uh ass you got there." he flirted weakly.

"Thanks. Are you done now, I really don't give a shit about your gay sexual needs. If you really need someone to fuck, Tony's upstairs." I snapped and ran off the nearest diving platform onto my loftwing as I hear Peter whine,

"But Tony's ass suuuuuuuucks!" and I heard Tony yell

"I HEARD THAT!"

As I flew, I noticed a dark shape growing in the sky. I peered a little closer, and realized it was Zelda! Oh, oh damn, she was so beautiful. Her blonde hair was streaming out behind her like a golden shower, and her bright blue eyes were shining with excitement. Don't get me started on her tits-BAM. I crashed into a large island.

"Watch where you're going assclown!" she screeched at me, as her tits were bouncing up and down. Damn, those gorgeous tits. They were like giant balloons stapled to her chest.

I crashed into another island. Godammit.


	2. Deadpool

And for the second time that day, I woke up to find another gay rapist staring down at me. This particular idiot had a weird helmet with horns on it.

"Oh _fuck_ it's Loki," I muttered angrily. A slight breeze told me that I had been stripped of my tunic. I looked down to see, thank the Goddess, I had my tights on. I saw Loki pick up something and then I felt a hot, sticky pain on my chest. Loki was dripping candlewax onto my chest. Again. What was with that guy and candle wax?

"Goddamnit Loki," I growled through gritted teeth, "How many times to I have to tell you, I'm not a fucking masochist!"

"Aaaaaah, but that makes your pain even sexier," he replied with a smirk as he picked up a whip.

"Oh HELLS no!" I shouted and whistled to my loftwing. With a screech it barreled into Loki's chest. Caught by surprise, he fell down with an _oomph! _Quickly, I grabbed my tunic, shoved it on, and dived off the small floating sky island. I whistled to my Loftwing. From there, I dived into Faron Woods. Maybe I could murder things without being interrupted and blow some steam. Maybe.

I put my sailcloth away and turned around, hoping to find the kikwi's tribe master or whatever. When I first met that fatass, I thought to myself, man, he would be fun to kill. But then he turned out to have some item that was useful, so I promised myself that when a day got so bad, THEN I would murder him. Unfortunately, I didn't get two centimeters when I heard a familiar, and annoying voice from behind me.

"Fancy seeing you here, "Hero Boyeeeeeeeeeee" Ghiriham whispered in my ear, wrapping his arms around me. I could already feel his raging boner. Though his dick size was quite impressive, but nothing compared to mine.

"Get. OFF. Of. Me." I snapped. Ghiriham did his stupid teleporting thing and appeared right in front of me.

"Why are you such a killjoy today? And everyday, for that matter, really," he said. I glared at him and unseathed my sword

"LOOK. I've had two bozos try to rape me today. I really need to kill something right now, and if you don't scram, I might just have to start with you!" I said. Fi suddenly appeared in front of me.

"Master, I do not approve of your murdering of my new shopping buddy for the sole purpose of blowing off steam."

I stopped.

"Shopping buddy?" I asked incredulously. Ghiriham shrugged.

"She was a crime to fashion!" he cried passionately. "I could not let such madness continue!"

"Whatever," I muttered as Fi returned to my sword. I stomped off in the direction of the forest. Several minutes and many dead bokoblins later, Ghiriham appeared in front of me again, quickly pulling me into a tight embrace.

"Oh, and I was meaning to tell you..." he trailed off and stared into the distance as if deep in thought. He shook his head. "Nevermind!" then he disappeared. I rolled my eyes. It was probably something stupid, and had no bearing to the plot whatsoever. I continued murdering every monster, (and the occasional kikwi) in sight. I'd been wandering the forest and couldn't find the kikwi leader was. Where was that fat fuck hiding anyway? After an hour, I started to feel a little less annoyed.

Suddenly, Deadpool cut through a batch of trees with one swing of his sword. He radiated badassery.

"'Sup hero?" he said

"Just killing things to blow off steam," I said. I then explained how Tony, Peter, Loki, and Ghiriham all tried to rape me on the same day. "Pretty much," I finished, "This has been one of the worst mornings of my life. So...how've you been?

"Trying to avoid those losers, really," he laughed. "Dunno why they keep trying to rape you..you're pretty hot I guess, but I don't understand why it's only you they want."

"That's the million Rupee question, isn't it?" I sighed. I decided that Deadpool and I were really the only sane people left on this planet at this point. If he were a girl, I might've tried to hit on her instead of Zelda. Maybe. Since the heroes showed up, he's been the only sane man I've met. Mostly because he only hits on me on occasion, and at least he has the dignity to keep his flirting subtle.


End file.
